Four Steps to Managing Anger

An empty Coke can sat slightly off kilter on the fence post about 30 feet away. The pump-action pellet gun was readied in the hands of an 11-year old boy. The only remaining question was, “Would the can remain standing or would it fall?” Ten pumps later the rifle was raised to his shoulder, and the site was lined up on the can. The trigger pressed hard against his finger as his expectations and his adrenaline picked up pace. In a split-second, the pellet bolted from the barrel and found its mark on the can as it spiraled off the post. The feeling of hitting the mark was exhilarating then, and it still is today.

Though I didn’t know it at the time, the lessons I learned about hitting a target with a gun also apply to successfully finding the right target when dealing with anger.

When anger flares up, emotions escalate. This is not the time to pull the trigger; it’s time for self-restraint. Choosing the right target is key to handling anger. And the process of hitting the right target helps ensure success. When feelings of anger grow strong, it is not time to fire off at the mouth about how I have been wronged. The truth is, everyone faces strong emotions that accompany anger. The way we handle those emotions will determine if our relationships become the target on the fence post.

My plan for hitting the mark in my battle against anger helps me keep my relationships from becoming the target:

Put on the Safety
Setting the safety on a gun guards against accidents and allows time to think before taking action.

Anger can be a lethal weapon, so I put the safety on by refusing to respond in the moment. I avoid assuming the offense was intentional. What I need most is to take time to think. This allows me to give the benefit of the doubt before jumping to conclusions. Setting the safety on anger is a pre-determined decision to be cautious before firing off at the mouth. Angry words spoken with rapid-fire fury are seldom beneficial. The first lesson of gun safety works just as well for anger. Safety first.

Know your Target
Identifying the right target before shooting is essential to hitting the mark.

Asking, “Why am I angry?” helps establish a legitimate target so I can address the issue when anger is justifiable. Anger pushes me to write off the offender rather than restore the relationship. Yet, the target should never be to shoot down another person even though my feelings might lean in that direction. The proper target is always the situation, not the person.

Sighting in the Target
Setting the site on the target increases the likelihood of success.

My years in the navy taught me to take a deep breath before setting my site and then to let it out slowly as my eye lined up the target. This brings steadiness to sighting in on the target. Taking a deep breath when I’m angry is calming and allows me to more clearly see where my site should be set. It’s asking “How do I get to the heart of the matter?” Sighting in on the target of my anger requires that I hone in on the true center of the situation. Taking deep breaths (as many times as necessary) is calming and allows me to see more clearly how to approach the situation.

Get a Good Grip
A good grip is a relaxed grip.

Several Range Masters offer a ready reminder when it’s time to shoot: “Relax.” A good grip is a relaxed grip. When I’ve squeezed the grip too tightly, it shows on the target. Tension makes it hard to find the mark. When I hold tight to anger, tension increases while success wanes. I’ve learned to relax by reminding myself to, “Get a grip.” Going after the target with a death grip on revenge will result in trying to squeeze what I want out of the other person. This approach will lead to a blow up and added frustration. Getting a grip requires a relaxed approach and helps me not take myself so seriously.

The four steps I take to handle anger is to take time to think, focus on the issue not the person, go to the heart of the issue, and approach the conversation in a calm manner.

What steps do you take to handle anger?

Related posts:

1. 4 Steps to Healthy Confrontation