4 Steps to Healthy Confrontation

The blows that landed on my jaw caused my head to bounce off the driver’s side window and left me with throbbing pain. I was stunned by the unexpected assault. The first blow brought stars, the second left me numb, and by the time the third one landed, I was making a dramatic escape via the car door. I rolled out onto the ground and went into a ready rage against my older brother. He jerked the car door shut and sped away. I simply stood, seething.

You’re probably thinking I had done something pretty serious to bring on such a confrontation. The story goes like this. I had a newly minted driver’s permit in my wallet and was happy to be behind the wheel of a car. I had come to a halt at a four-way stop, and no other cars were in sight. Then it was decision time. I wanted to turn left, but the next block was one-way and then turned into a two-way street again. I figured I could make it down the one-way street and quickly jog over when it became two-way. With determination, I steered to the left, and then my head began swaying from the violent impact of my brother’s fist. He didn’t like my choice.

It’s taken many years, but now I can look back and see the humor when I imagine what the car must have looked like as it veered back and forth on the one-way street. Thinking back on the scene has led me to ponder what healthy confrontation looks like.

Sooner than Later …Don’t Delay
Make time to confront. It is easy to put it off because it’s uncomfortable. Yet, the longer situation goes unresolved, the more frustration builds. Sooner is almost always better.

Narrow the focus…No Lists
I know what it feels like to be confronted with a laundry list of offenses that has accumulated over time. Harboring resentment inhibits trust and leads to suspicion. Limiting the discussion to one issue encourages an open discussion and keeps the lines of communication open in the future. Dumping a long list of offenses will lead to frustration and resentment.

Attack the Issue…Never the Person
The conversation should always stay centered on the issue. Name-calling or accusations of ill motives leads to bitterness and puts the person being confronted on the defensive. Communicate genuine care for the person and a desire to resolve the issue by staying on topic and working toward clarity. The goal is to influence future decisions through open dialogue out of genuine concern for the success of the team member.

Look for the Good…Don’t Assume the Worst
Assume there is more to the story, and that any harm done was not intentional. I try to begin by explaining that I need to share information about a situation that is of concern. I continue by communicating what the situation “seems” to be and then ask, “Is what I have shared on target or is there more I should know?” Seek clarity and a solution through a genuine desire to understand.

Everyone sits in the driver’s seat when it comes to daily decisions. There will come times when someone has, or is about to go the wrong way down a one-way street. We can choose to respond in a way that sends them off in anger or can confront by communicating that we truly care. Healthy confrontation doesn’t put relationships at risk. It encourages good decisions and also helps restore relationships.

Related posts:

1. Four Steps to Managing Anger
2. 5 Steps to Handling Negative Feedback